Column Writing

2008 TPA Better Newspaper Contest

First Place D6

Houston Business Journal

New movie bill features scary short subject

By Bill Shadewald

Gov. Rick Perry signed a bill with an interesting plot twist last week.

The legislation earmarks $22 million worth of incentives for films produced in Texas.

No big departure from the usual script there. The state has been doling out similar incentives for some 35 years. Filmmakers who opt to shoot thin the state can qualify for grant funding from the Texas Film Commission, an entertaining arm of the Texas Department of Commerce.

Up to now, only one significant string was attached. A movie crew must spend at least $1 million within the Lone Star State to qualify for a grant.

Not any more. (Hold on to your popcorn, here comes the scary part.) A codicil inserted into the new bill at the behest of Perry empowers the film commission to nix funding for any cinematic work deemed to have "inappropriate content or content that portrays Texas or Texans in a negative fashion.”

Public debate over the provision was shorter and less exciting than the typical preview of a coming attraction. The dialogue was part soap opera, part Foghorn Leghorn cartoon.

A cast of aesthetic intellectuals emoted about how, alas, muzzling artistic expression would be a tragic farce. The guv assured them that those doggone concerns about peripheral issues like censorship and the First Amendment were being overblown by that chatted liberal media.

Now a film commission on the state payroll will be pulling double duty as cash dispenser and review board.

Screenwriters will have to audition scripts like characters in "The Player,” which could make telling positive from negative tricky.

"It's heartwarming and bloodthirsty — think 'The Texas Cheerleader Murder Mom' meets 'Terms of Endearment.’”

The easiest approach is a simple ratings system. Scripts approved with a GBT (God Bless Texas) rating get a grant. Those rejected with a DMT (Don't Mess with Texas) rating get the boot.

This may protect our fair state from being sullied on the silver screen in years to come. But a lot of flicks from years past will still be trashing the heart of Texas.

I have a solution. Allocate additional funding for re-makes of these cinematic affronts to true Texas culture.

Another $22 million should be enough to entice reworks of originals from screenwriters with the proper slants.

It just so happens I have one that should be a slamdunk for approval from the film commission censors — make that impartial reviewers.

Here's the outline:

Original: "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.”

Story line: Bosomy ladies of the night shamelessly prance around in scanty clothing. Texas law enforcement officers are portrayed as hapless buffoons outwitted by wily scoundrels. Off-color shenanigans in little town of La Grange give false impression of majestic Hill Country.

Remake: "The Best Little Biotech Relocation to Texas.”

Story line: (Think "Pleasantville" meets "Happy, Texas.”) A major East Coast pharmaceuticals manufacturer moves to picturesque La Grange. CEO credits relocation to tireless efforts of intrepid governor with big technology fund. The company's big product is Leftout, an infertility drug that works only on Democrats. The plant creates thousands of jobs for workers who come home every day and say "Honey, I'm home.” The kids never get in trouble. Players on the high school basketball team never miss a shot. The only ones who see colors are dazed and confused slacker Democrats.

A couple of other revision projects are stiff in the conceptual stage.

Original: "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”

Remake: "The Winning of the Chain Stores”

Original: "The Alamo”

Remake: No working title yet. This is a toughie. I've debated with myself for months in an effort to determine exactly which side constituted illegal immigrants in terms of historical context.

I ask the film commission to take a look. If any of these ideas are considered worthy of a GBT rating give me a holler —and hopefully a grant.

If all fall into the DMT category, my only comment is:

The horror, the horror.